Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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