If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
