i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
