My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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