You smell like stripper and shame
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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