I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She even gives head with a lisp.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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