I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
