i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
