grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I smell stomach acid.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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