At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
