id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
