just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
