they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
