If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
