Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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