That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i drank out of a bidet.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
