and you said cock pushups were impossible
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
