Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
