I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
