plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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