I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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