I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
