i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize