I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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