I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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