im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
