im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
