What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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