shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
where are you?
Hypothermia
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
