Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
