I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize