Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
