Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
