i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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