Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
