sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
True college students do jello shots in the library
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
