I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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