he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
