grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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