You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We got so high we made milksteak
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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