Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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