Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
