Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
