We're facebook friends in real life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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