i need an iv and a liver transplant
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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