nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
ugly people sure do ruin things
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
