THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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