I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
