wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
