Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
