meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
