Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
