I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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