i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
