Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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