The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
