corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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